Scrambled Eggs

The chieftain of the tribe looked at the scrawny young man standing in front of him, tightly holding a bundle in his hands.

“It’s been more than five years since you were last seen in this village, Braangh.” He said
“I know, Chief Usaka.” Replied Braangh
“I see you have realized the error of your ways and decided to come back to your home and hearth.”

A puzzled expression crossed Braangh’s face.
“My lord, I do not understand.” He said. “What error have I committed?”

Usaka raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Surely you agree that when you left our tribe five years to, in your own words, see the world, you were making a big mistake? After all, your troubles must have made life extremely difficult for you otherwise why would you come back?”

Braangh’s face split into a grin.
“Pardon me, O great chief, but I feel no such thing. I do not regret my decision to leave five years ago and I have come back due to my own desire and not because of any great burden from the world beyond. On the contrary, I have learnt so much outside that I felt a need to come back and impart my knowledge to our people.”

Usaka began to bristle.
“Impart your knowledge?” he hissed. “You broke all social norms by leaving our tribe and brought great shame upon your family! Who would want to gain knowledge from you?”

“Everyone, my lord, when they hear my story.” Replied Braangh calmly. “In fact, I would like you to be the first to hear the news I bring so that you may judge, personally, the wisdom of my decision. I bring the Orumba tribe great news. I bring with me the knowledge to defeat our hated enemy, the Hontu.”

Usaka snorted.
“Every second day, we have a charlatan in here, claiming exactly what you claim, Braangh.”
“I realize that.” Replied Braangh. “All I request is that you hear my story. After that, you’re free to call me a charlatan...if you wish.”

“Then let’s hear your story.” Said Usaka.

Braangh set his bundle down upon the ground and settled down at his chief’s feet. He then gazed directly into the chieftain’s eyes.

“Know then, O Chief, that after I departed from our tribe and land, I wandered far and wide, seeking knowledge about the world. I have crossed many rivers, climbed many hills and walked down many roads before I decided to come back home. I have even crossed the mighty ocean.

It was while crossing the ocean that I came upon this strange land which I called the Island Nation. The people of this nation have a peculiar quality of keeping their upper lips extremely stiff, no matter how affected they are by emotion. I often saw them weeping with sorrow but never crying out as crying out would reduce the stiffness of their lips. It was in this Island Nation that I encountered the knowledge I am about to give you.”

He paused, took a deep breath and resumed.

“More than sixty years ago, my lord, a great war took place between the people of the Island Nation and another country. This enemy of the island nation is known simply as He with the Bristled Moustache. He with the Bristled Moustache was a warlock of great power who desired to use his powers to enslave the whole world and in order to do that, he had to defeat the people of Island Nation who were led by the mighty wizard Chaarchil.

It is claimed that the war between the armies of Chaarchil and He with the Bristled Moustache enveloped the entire earth, drawing other great magicians and massive armies. Legendary battles were fought on land, on the seas and even in the wide blue skies. The birds themselves took battle, some siding with Chaarchil and others with He. These birds were actors in great tales and The Island Nation was known to have two very famous avian allies –The Fire Spitter and The Hurricane Maker.

However, we need not concern ourselves with all this. My lord, I am here to tell you about another bird who worked for Chaarchil – a crafty flamingo. During the war, this Flamingo acted as one of Chaarchil’s most able spies, bringing the Island Nation information of vital importance. It is claimed though, that the flamingo despised war. This is probably why it never took part in active battle itself but acted as an agent for the forces of good.

It took the Island Nation six long years but with the arrival of Chaarchil’s strongest ally Rose-Velvet (there are other great stories I have heard about him – it is said that he rode on a moveable Iron Throne and had destroyed a curse that made his people permanently depressed), the Island Nation was finally able to destroy the armies of He with the Bristled Moustache and split his fiefdom, the Land of Many Germs, into two. There are also stories that there was a fourth warlock called Stallion who had earlier sided with He but later left him to join Chaarchil. But that does not concern us.

The flamingo, of which I had spoken, left Chaarchil’s army and flew far away from the Island Nation after the war. It is said that it reached paradise on the Island of the Sun where it spent many years pondering on the brutality of war. However, the more it pondered upon war, the more it convinced itself that war must be prevented at all costs. There were already rumours going around the world that Stallion’s empire and the Rose-Velvet’s country were hostile to each other and another war was inevitable. Flamingo realized that this must not happen.

It is not known what supreme magic Flamingo performed on the Island of the Sun. However, I do know that this magic resulted in the creation of a set of books. These books, my lord, contained wizardry from the great wells of time and space, drawing upon the strength of the forces that drive the universe. Most of all, it enclosed the indomitable spirit of the Island Nation which had never been conquered in a thousand years.

These books, my lord, spoke of a great warrior, who would always fight for forces of good and protect the Island Nation and her allies against evil machinations of dark-hearted warlocks. Like Flamingo itself, this warrior would primarily act as a spy for the Island Nation but in times of need, he would don his great black armour and take on the might of wicked wizards and their odious henchmen alone. He would save the free world from a hundred evils and would go on to become the free world’s most loved being.

My lord, Flamingo gifted these books for use to the free world. There was a lot of interest in both the Island Nation and Rose-Velvet’s land (which I think was called the Eagle Country) and it is written that a wise lion which resided in the Eagle Country decided to perform the magic to summon this great warrior. It then proceeded to do so, in a Forest of Holly Trees. The spell was successful and the warrior was summoned.

The rest is legend in the free world, my lord. The warrior was all that Flamingo had promised. He prevented war more than a hundred times and took on the might of huge empires alone. He had to fight battles with many wizards but he always won. This warrior was called many names but one title always stood out – the title Flamingo gave him. He was called Baannd. Jamz Baannd.”

“All this is very well.” Growled Usaka.
“But I don’t see how this is going help the Orumba Tribe. All this happened so long ago and in some far off land at that.”
“My lord...” said Braangh, bringing his voice down to a whisper. “...this is probably the most pivotal moment in the history of Orumba. Don’t you see? All we have to do is summon the great warrior ourselves! With him on our side, what puny enemy is going to stop us? All our adversaries are small tribes. They will be no match for a warrior who’s defeated the greatest wizards in the world!”

Usaka started to guffaw.
“And who...” he sniggered. “...is going to summon this mighty warrior? All you know is the story of this being who existed sixty years ago. Where are you going to get the spells from? Who amongst us is powerful enough to summon this warrior? And don’t you know the perils of such an enterprise? We are not a great nation ourselves! If we puny folk summon this wizard and ask him to defend us, he might be very insulted and destroy us instead!”

“Oh great chief, I beg of you, to display the patience you are so well known for.” Replied Braangh with a smile on his face.
He undid the bundle he was carrying and reverently took out three books which he placed at the chief’s feet. He taken took out a sheet of paper from between the pages of a book and laid that open at the feet of Usaka.

“Behold, my lord!” he cried, swishing his cloak in a melodramatic manner. “I bring to you, the Books of Flamingo! Within them are ensconced the stories of Baannd, the Seventh Soldier, Twice Circled! And on that paper is written those very ceremonies for the summoning of Baannd!”

For several moments the chieftain of Orumba was stunned into silence. Then slowly, his lips started to quiver and several words stammered out, most of them prayers invoking the protection of the tribal gods.

“H-huh-How How did you get th-th-tho-those?” he stuttered. “The Books of Flamingo! The Books of Flamingo!”
“The Books of Flamingo!” smiled Braangh in triumph.
“The Books of Flamingo!” exclaimed Usaka
“The Books of Flamingo!” said Braangh
“The Books of Flamingo!” cried Usaka

Braangh, realizing that this was going too far, stopped himself from repeating.

“The Ceremonies of Baannd!” he said instead.
“The Ceremonies of Baannd!” muttered Usaka
“The Ceremonies of Baannd.” said Braangh
“The Ceremonies...” began Usaka

Braangh made a gesture of impatience.
“My lord, I beg you to pull yourself together.” He said in an imperious voice. “It is not becoming of the Chief of Orumba to stutter and stammer like a child of eighteen months. Yes, these are the Books of Flamingo, containing the ceremonies for summoning the mighty warrior Baannd. Ask not from where I got them. I have undertaken many hardships and climbed a thousand mountains paying a sack full of diamonds in order to lay these books and that paper at your feet.

My lord, Flamingo intended that this warrior prevent war. Hence there will be no fear of retribution from Baannd once he is summoned since he will only be doing his duty by crushing the Haatus. I have also taken the liberty of examining the instructions for performing the Summoning Ceremonies. They require no great magic and the relics they demand are already with the Orumba tribe, thank the gods! All we need is your approval and I will perform these ceremonies for Orumba. Just think, my lord, once Baannd is summoned, we will be the most powerful tribe in all these lands!”

Usaka pulled himself together.
“Of course!” He cried. “A thousand thanks to you, Braangh, for undertaking so many hardships for Orumba and its people. When Baannd is summoned, I will make you the Chief Priest of the Orumba!”

---

A large crowd had gathered in the village square to watch their tribe become the most powerful in all lands. Word of Braangh’s travels had spread fast and nearly everyone in Orumba knew that he brought back powerful magic with him.

The Ceremony had to be very detailed, proclaimed Braangh. For the warrior to be summoned correctly, three items were essential. First was a mysterious object known as The Chimera. It had been held by the Orumbas for almost a year now, after having been retrieved from the belongings of a wizard who had tried to trap the tribe with it. The tribals had known he was a wizard for what other human wears strange tube-like garments touching only the knees? Besides, his eyes had been blue and skin as red as blood, both of which were extremely uncommon in all known lands.

The second relic was a suit of armour fit for a splendid warrior such as Baannd. Braangh had very specific requirements and his specifications had driven the tribe’s weaver-women mad.

“The armour is known as the Tuck Zeedo.” He explained. “It is single-breasted, vent-less, and black. It is made of wool. The lapels may be faced with silk in either a grosgrain or a satin weave. There are two lapel options, the shawl collar and the peak lapel. A third lapel style, the notched lapel is also perfectly acceptable.”

“Single-breasted?” echoed one weaver. “What grotesque demon are you summoning?”
“What is grosgrain?” another wanted to know. “Is it some crop like corn?”
“Silk!” shrieked a third. “The vagabond wants costly silk for his precious warrior! He will have to do with cotton.”

It took three days of nagging and several threats from both Braangh and Usaka before the weavers grudgingly agreed to get the Tuck Zeedo ready by the time the warrior was summoned.

The third requirement was the most difficult to fulfil. The ceremony required that a man of the tribe submit his body to the spirit of the warrior. Usaka wanted to know why. Braangh explained in patient tones.

“The warrior never manifests himself in physical form.” He said. “Baannd has always occupied the body of another and over the years there have been several who have borne the title of the Twice-Circled Seventh Soldier. The first of these was a man known as Shaan. Other names include Rajamur, Daal Tun and Brass Nen. They have all been different in their own way though Shaan is usually considered the ideal warrior. However, there are certain characteristics that this person must display.”

“And what are these characteristics?” asked Usaka.

Braangh paused and consulted the sheet of paper in front of him.
“The bearer of Baannd is physically strong. He is unmarried. He likes to drink wine after shaking the coconut shell in which it is contained. He has an eye for women, especially those not of his own tribe and likes to hide at the beach to watch water-maidens emerge from the sea at dawn. He likes to eat eggs that are scrambled and drinks a concoction brewed from coffee beans for breakfast. He is smart, suave and likes to prevent explosions as a hobby.”

“What?” screamed Usaka. “I didn’t understand half of that! What are eggs that are scrambled? And how do you make a concoction from coffee beans?”

“Don’t worry. I know exactly what they are.” Assured Braangh. “Just find me a physically strong unmarried man who likes to drink wine and watch women swimming.”

“That’s easy enough, there are plenty of those.” Said Usaka. “But I suppose you want someone intelligent?”
“Well...” said Braangh. “Intelligence hasn’t been mentioned as a prime characteristic so you better leave that out. Let’s not take chances. Just get me the man and I’ll make him like scrambled eggs and coffee.”

But try as he might, Usaka couldn’t get any of his men to volunteer. The thought of being occupied by a terrifying warrior such as Baannd was too much to bear. Besides, volunteering for the position was more or less a direct way of admitting that the volunteer drank too much and was lascivious by nature. It was only when Braangh finally came up with the solution – that such activities are perfectly acceptable for a great warrior like Baannd and once possessed, the volunteer would be unhindered while indulging in them – did several men enthusiastically come forth. Braangh finally chose a strapping young man called Yagoni to be the bearer. Yagoni had a reputation in the tribe for being an absolute lout and a lazy nincompoop but Braangh foresaw this to be a chance for him to make amends.

The ceremony was quick and prompt. Yagoni was dressed in the Tuck Zeedo Armour and made to face the Chimera. Braangh ran around the set three times in a clockwise direction and three times in an anti-clockwise direction. He then paused behind the Chimera and peered into the glassy eye at the back. Then, screaming an incantation, he pressed a button on the device. The ceremony was complete. The Oramba tribe has found its new warrior. Baannd had manifested himself in Yagoni and the bearer, perceiving the holy spirit, demanded that he be satiated with wine. Shaken, not stirred. But Braangh had other tasks for him.

“I command you, Baannd...to depart the nation of Orumba and reach the villages of our hated enemy, the Hontu. Use your guile and cunning, those great skills imparted to you by Flamingo itself, to burn these villages and ensure that the Hontu are completely destroyed!”

“But what about my wine?” growled Baannd.
“You can have all the wine you can steal from the Hontu plus more once you come back successful.” Replied Braangh. Baannd growled in response and set off on his mission.

“May the gods be with you, O Twice Circled Seventh Soldier.” Muttered Usaka.
He then turned to face Braangh.
“I had promised to make you the Chief Priest of the Orumba.” He said “But I will do so only on one condition. You must become Baannd’s chief. You must guide him and command his movements at all times. You will be answerable to none but me.”

“Very well.” Replied Braangh. “But Baannd will need many things. He will need the latest technology to battle our enemies. I am not a technical man. I request you to appoint another priest who is gifted in this to provide with the best weapons for whatever job we give him.”

“I understand.” Replied Usaka. “You! Karaka! I appoint you as the Weapons Priest henceforth to be referred to as the Priest Kyoo. And Braangh, as a reward for your services, I hereby appoint you as Umm, Chief Priest of the Orumba!”

The people cheered. The gods were smiling upon them. They had a new warrior who would bring them great victory and liberate them. They were indeed blessed.

---

“You’re not listening to me, Rakesh!” snapped Aruna. “I found him today in our room, wearing your dinner jacket! And what’s more, I found him handling your lighter! When I caught him, he started mumbling something about completing a mission.”

Rakesh laughed.
“Kid’s got an imagination, that’s all.” He said. “We just have to be careful with stuff like the lighter and keep them out of his sight.”

“Rakesh...” whispered Aruna. “You don’t think the other two are bullying him do you? I mean...”
“Nonsense!” snorted Rakesh. “Those three are as thick as any trio of brothers I’ve seen! There’s no chance...”
“There’s something else...” blurted Aruna. “I was cleaning up their computer last night. Rakesh, they’ve downloaded a whole bunch of movies from the internet without telling us. They’ve been watching movies like James Bond and Apocalypto! Rakesh, none of them are older than ten! Surely, they’re too young...”